Gone


“There are two people in this room you know” I scolded and tried to maintain a mean look.

A feat that proved impossible to achieve when a man was stuck in between your legs.

“Mummy is jealous of you love” Nathan grinned as he refused to pry his glued ear away from my enormous belly for what seemed like 1000 hours now.

And yes! I was jealous.

I wanted him to hold my face in his palm and rub his nose playfully against mine like I was the baby. I wanted him to carry my now heavy-weight physique and pant afterwards like he just pushed a truck; and then snuggle next to me so we fight over baby names. I wanted to…..

I burst into giggles before I could finish that thought. He was tickling the soles of my feet. He held my face in his palm and rubbed his nose vigorously against mine. He brushed his lips against mine lightly and proceeded to lift my rather heavy figure from the sofa amidst my protests; as feeble as they were.

He gently placed me on the bed and between gasps told me I weigh more than the Leaning tower of Pisa. I threw all four pillows at him.

He pushed the covers aside and slid into bed next to me. Cuddling me like a 3-year old would his favourite teddy

“You know it’s a he right?” He smiled

“She!” I whispered back

“He “

“She”

“He”

“She”

“If it’s a she we’re going to call her India”

“If you can hear her sing from the womb this minute, I will agree to that”

He smiled at me as if I were a kid who was convinced wearing the right shoe on the left foot and the left foot on the right, was the right thing to do.

I poked him in the rib. His smile widened.

 

He was fading away. Pixel by pixel, like a low-quality picture on a higher-resolution screen.

I strained to see that comforting smile, but it faded away each time I tried too hard.

I wanted to cry, scream, any emotion whatsoever.

But there was an overwhelming pain that numbed my senses. I rubbed my hand against my belly. It wasn’t enormous. It wasn’t big. There wasn’t even a bump. It was flat. There was no baby. There was no affection. There was no Nathan to rub my nose, to snuggle up and fight with. No Nathan to kiss. No Nathan to hug. No Nathan at all…

 

Reality is that cold water splashed on you the day the heater broke on a chilly morning.

 

There was no Nathan today to tease my naval with his tongue. There will be no Nathan tomorrow to have 15-minute conversations with our yet-to-be-conceived baby.

The room suddenly felt icy. And this time, the tears didn’t stop……

 

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