“Stoned” by McFrankline



And the Philistines stood on a mountain on the one side, and Israel stood on a mountain on the other side: and there was a valley between them.And there went out a champion out of the camp of the Philistines, named Goliath, of Gath, whose height was six cubits and a span.And he had a helmet of brass upon his head, and he was armed with a coat of mail; and the weight of the coat was five thousand shekels of brass.

Would you please cut out the crap already?  Why do they always make a big deal of my size? You should have seen some of my brothers and ancestors;they make me look like David. Metaphorically speaking, of course. After all, I am Nephilim.

And he stood and cried unto the armies of Israel, and said unto them, why are ye come out to set your battle in array? Are not I a Philistine, and ye servants to Saul? Choose you a man for you, and let him come down to me.If he be able to fight with me, and to kill me, then will we be your servants: but if I prevail against him, and kill him, then shall ye be our servants, and serve us.

Technically this was just a bluff, that bastard King Achish put me up to this. At first he wanted me to charge down directly waving my 37 pound spear at a horde of angry looking Israelis whose God I had been blaspheming these past few days. Do I look crazy? I’m not even a bloody Philistine; I just needed the money badly. I had a wife and two concubines waiting back at Raphaim city of Bashan. And so I took the easy way out. All I had to do was stand on the hill, well out of reach of those flaming arrows, behind the safety of this moronic shield bearer and challenge them to single combat. After all I was 9ft tall and evil looking, how was I supposed to know that little imp was going to show up?

And David spake to the men that stood by him, saying, what shall be done to the man that killeth this Philistine, and taketh away the reproach from Israel? For who is this uncircumcised Philistine, that he should defy the armies of the living God?

Hey, Hold it right there. Why are you taking this thing personal? I haven’t insulted anyone here, lets leave my manhood out of this………

And Saul said to David, Thou art not able to go against this Philistine to fight with him: for thou art but a youth, and he a man of war from his youth.

Why didn’t he fucking listen? What happened to” Children, obey thy parents in the lord, for this is right”? Oh wait, that was in the New Testament………….

And he took his staff in his hand, and chose him five smooth stones out of the brook, and put them in a shepherd’s bag which he had, even inascrip; and his sling was in his hand: and he drew near to the Philistine.

And the Philistine came on and drew near unto David; and the man that bare the shield went before him.

Pay close attention. Even though I was pissed at the little rascal for underestimating me so much, I always kept my shield bearer in front of me. Those bastards were expendable, and I wasn’t taking any chance with this little brat. He could be a highly trained Mossad agent……

And when the Philistine looked about, and saw David, he disdained him: for he was but a youth, and ruddy, and of a fair countenance.

Would you watch it? I said I have a wife and two concubines; I would not be mistaken for a homosexual just because someone wanted to be a little passionate in their description

And it came to pass, when the Philistine arose, and came, and drew nigh to meet David, that David hastened, and ran toward the army to meet the Philistine.

This boy is beginning to freak me out. Look at how he’s charging at me recklessly. What the fuck? Is he high on some Israeli shit? My shield bearer also freaked out, he’s left me completely unguarded, Oh my fucking gosh, I’m going to be feathered by this Israeli Archers…….

And David put his hand in his bag, and took thence a stone, and slang it, and smote the Philistine in his forehead, that the stone sunk into his forehead; and he fell upon his face to the earth.

HOLY FUCK, the Pope Must hear this………………………………….

Advertisements

12 responses to ““Stoned” by McFrankline

  1. this didn’t do much for me. it’s not particularly funny & doesn’t make any particularly interesting point – or much of a point at all. i’ve read re-writes of bible stories that do more – they modernize the narrative or satirize and ridicule the morality (easy to do with most bible stories). i hope the writer is not discouraged but i’d give it one star. keep writing.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s