There is too much softness in me.
I wrote that sentence 6 days ago. There’s always too much happening in my head and some days I successfully navigate my way around the disarray. Somedays there’s a lot I want to write but I stay stuck on one sentence. I will most likely end up writing a small fraction of what’s floating in my head.
There’s too much softness in me; there’s too much passion in me, there’s too much of everything in me. It digs inside me, bores into me with urgency and has made me overzealous in order to appease this overflowing trait.
In a fairly functional world this should be a fairly good thing, – and most days it is, but it means everything I’m into engulfs me, I obsess over every detail, I adopt it intimately, I ought to know its contours, its limits, its deficiencies, its triggers, its potential, its future. And so I always have a chorus of amens and questions and resentments talking at and over each other in my brain. There should be a constant monologue in my head but there’s a whole play with different characters talking in the same voice. I feel crippled under the weight of my own brain.
I am learning how to use this too muchness for my own benefit – I know I can. I know I can do anything if I put my heart to it; it’s just that I haven’t had the will. I’m tired. My tired is tired. My tired has been tired for a long time. I want a long pause of nothingness for a while.
My birthday is in 7 days. This has to be the first time I have wanted to avoid it. I wish I could skip the day and just move to the next, but my friends aren’t having any of that.
Friends. I’m eternally grateful for them.
I think there’s so much we don’t say as people, for different reasons, – could be because of timing, or the headspace you’re in or fear or just being tired of having to spoon feed love language to people who should know better. There’s almost always a residue of things left unsaid. But I never want to miss an opportunity to love my friends fiercely. No matter how upset or disappointed I get, I don’t want to be an inconsistent flickering light. And I’ve been blessed to have friends who are exactly that for me. And for that, I’m going to stick my chin up and look forward to a new year.