Mother tells you not to give in to fear and that God is in control.
Abena tells you there’s nothing to fear, you will feel no pain
Dee tells you that fear, in a way protects you.
Nobody tells you that fear can come from a small place.
You’re in a cold room with your arms spread wide apart and legs closely together, – all you need are nails and you will be ready for crucifixion.
Four of them are hovering over you, they remind you of houseflies that buzz around regardless of how many times you swat at them.
“Do we need to make another cut above the umbilical cord?”
“No this is fine, I can see the mass, it’s long and thin, I just need to grasp it”
“Inject more anesthesia, she can feel pain”
“Have you got it?”
“It keeps slipping”
“Use the Allis”
“Pain. I can feel pain.” You say throatily
“More anesthesia Jones. Are you afraid to use it? Use it please, there’s still a half bottle left. The girl is feeling the thing”
“Have you grasped it now?”
“Aha, finally. Now pull. More anesthesia please, she is flinching.”
What is it?
“It got torn halfway. I have to find the tip again and grasp it”
“Oh Jones. This shouldn’t take as more than 2 hours o”
Nobody tells you that fear can come from a place as small as overhearing commentary during surgery and fuck you over.